Thomas Fuchs
Hi, I'm Thomas Fuchs. I'm the author of Zepto.js, of script.aculo.us, and I'm a Ruby on Rails core alumnus. With Amy Hoy I'm building cheerful software, like Freckle Time Tracking and Every Time Zone and write books like Retinafy.me.
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This Flash is dead

August 20th, 2010

A user enters a web site.

User: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)

User: ‘Ello, Miss?
Adobe: What do you mean “miss”?

User: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Adobe: We’re closin’ for lunch.

User: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Flash what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Adobe: Oh yes, the, uh, the 10.1…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

User: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Adobe: No, no, it’s uh,…he’s resting.

User: Look, matey, I know a dead plugin when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Adobe: No no it’s not dead, it’s, it’s restin’! Remarkable plugin, the 10.1, idn’it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

User: The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Adobe: Nononono, no, no! It’s resting!

User: All right then, if it’s restin’, I’ll wake it up! (shouting at the sandbox) ‘Ello, Mister Polly Flash! I’ve got some lovely fresh hardware acceleration for you if you show…
(owner hits the sandbox)
Adobe: There, it moved!

User: No, it didn’t, that was you hitting the sandbox!
Adobe: I never!!

User: Yes, you did!
Adobe: I never, never did anything…

User: (yelling and hitting the sandbox repeatedly) ‘ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(Takes Flash out of the sandbox and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

User: Now that’s what I call a dead plugin.
Adobe: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!

User: STUNNED?!?
Adobe: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Flash stuns easily, major.

User: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That plugin is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Adobe: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.
User: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?

Adobe: The 10.1 prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable plugin, id’nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
User: Look, I took the liberty of examining that plugin when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Adobe: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that plugin down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ‘em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
User: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this plugin wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! It’s bleedin’ demised!

Adobe: No no! It’s pining!
User: It’s not pinin’! It’s passed on! This plugin is no more! It’s has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch it’d be pushing up the daisies! It’s metabolic processes are now ‘istory! It’s off the twig! It kicked the bucket, it shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PLUGIN!!

(pause)

Adobe: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of plugins.
User: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Adobe: I got Flash lite.

(pause)

User: Pray, does it talk?
Adobe: Nnnnot really.

User: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Adobe: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

User: Well.

(pause)

Adobe: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?
User: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.